Friday, February 17, 2012

Hernando's Skating Hut--If Club Med ran a Rink

Good evening adult skaters. I'm Hernando, general manager of Hernando's Skating Hut. We are here to make your stay with us as relaxing and enjoying your skating vacation. You will notice that the ice--four sheets--is dedicated figure skating ice. We are open 25 hours a day, with a full staff at your service.

We have an excellent coaching staff.
Tough Coach Track: All coaches are former soviet Union and have mastered the art of the soviet skater experience. There will be swearing in Russian, yelling, temper displays, disappointed glares, and a threat to go to the Gulag unless you get your Axel. When you leave, you can brag to all your friends: "I skated under the meanest Russian coaches alive". Your figure skating ice cred will jump up enormously in the freestyle cred ratings at your rink.
Nice Coach Track: If you are not looking for the 'tough coach' experience, we also have the 'mother figure'. An elderly British skater will patiently works you through your figures, and offers you fairy cake when you stop hammering in your lutz.
Ice Dance Track: We haven't forgotten our ice dancers either. Famous ice dance coaches will work with you through all aspects of your dances. Especially trained escort dancers will accompany you through the lesson.  No looking for a partner here!

But the instant you step off the ice, you are pampered to your hearts desire. Your own heated vibrating Barcalounger will be waiting for you at the gate. Your own skate boy/skate girl will remove your skates, wrap your feet in heated towels and cover you in a blanket. You will then be wheeled into our especial pampering room, where you can be directly rolled onto a massage table from the lounger.

Our spa has special services for skaters. An on call podiatrist, orthopedic surgeon, masseur, skate technician media specialist, costume designer and for the adventurous skater an especial climb up Saworski Crystal Mountain. If you wish to take the day off, you can enjoy yourself in stoning class, spandex sewing seminar, or beading experience.

Eduardo will meet you with a mojito, and take your order for apre's skate snacks. May we recommend the Torvill Dean Delight for the afternoon skaters, and the Lysacek Links for those who enjoy a hearty breakfast.

Come enjoy! All are welcome! (No hockey skaters need apply)


  1. With due respect to J. K. Rowling, Hernando's Skating Hut will appear to any skater who is in great need of it. I shudder to think of private "rink elves" though...

    1. The Hut of Skating Requirements. What a great idea!

  2. Bahahahaha!!! I've always said that if I had a helper monkey, I would teach him to tie my skates. And I do like mojitos.