Breaking Up is Hard to Do

I've had a number of coaches, and I've left some with no harm no foul separation. The usual reasons; the rink closed, the coach retired, long term injury, I moved to another rink.  Once I left a coach, shall we call it 'for cause'. This is awkward, but few people think about how to do this. I'm going to talk about my approach.

Some people aren't confrontational.  Believe it or not, I'm not confrontational. But when I make a decision, I don't dither around; I execute....and move on.

So in my case when I was thinking about leaving the coach, I had tried a negotiation first, which did not work. I then thought things out for a couple of weeks while making my decision.  The day I decide to announce my decision, I waited until the coach and I were on the ice at the beginning of the lesson. I paid my lesson fee first thing, then I said, "I'm not happy with XXX. I've decided to get another coach." I identified my reason in a tactful manner, "I'm giving two months notice, so the end date would be XXXX." After that point, the lesson fee was going not to my feet, but to discussion. I considered that a price to pay.

Some things I thought out before hand.

1. I made sure I had all my  bills paid before I make the announcement.  I had cash in my hand and paid the coach at the beginning of the lesson, so there would be no need to speak to each other afterwards if  tempers were high.

2. Know beforehand if you will agree to a negotiation with the coach over issues that concern you. Me, I was done.  But another skater with the same problem with the same coach decided to negotiate. The skater used the following formula,  "XXX is bothering me. If we can't resolve this issue, then I'll leave on XXX date."  This worked successfully for that skater.

3. I would never quit a coach 'for cause' with a phone call or an email. If I'm going to fire someone, I do it face to face if at all possible.  Yeah, I know it seems I sandbagged this poor coach, but my negotiation attempt had failed.  And remember I was giving TWO MONTHS notice. (On the other hand, when I left coaches because of injuries, I did it by email. Thanked them profusely, wrote glowingly of their thoughtfulness and skill, and hoped that sometime in the future we could skate again. When I'm injured, I figure coaches don't expect a personal visit under those circumstances, because if I'm not skating, I'm pretty much immobile. YMMV)

A professional shouldn't publicly hold a grudge.  The next time I saw the coach, my departure was water under the bridge.  We spoke casually and made polite inquiries to each other, and I complimented the coach's students. What was said about me in the pros room, no idea.

Don't feel bad for the coach. A new student was filling my slot within a half hour.
***
I know this kind of situation can be emotionally draining, but if you have the urge to vent about your coach on Facebook, show some class. Don't. Vent. Just say you're leaving your coach, and leave it like that.

Yeah, don't do this.

The Bully Beater

Dance Coach had a group lesson before mine some weeks ago, and it's instructive. He has a young male student, maybe 13 (?). It's hard for me to tell now a days. I've seen this boy being coached by Dance Coach occasionally. You hear horror stories of boy skaters who have been bullied, but this kid seems to have found a way around it.

He brought two tough looking guys his own age to the rink, and arranged a group lesson with Dance Coach. And he videoed it. I never saw the video, but as I skated around I got a grasp of what Coach's student was doing. He was letting Dance Coach teach the lesson, while he just ran the video. He didn't show off his skating, instead he was helping his friends up when they fell, and having a good time. By the end of the lesson the new boys were stroking around and I think one of them could do a 2 foot turn.

As an anti-bullying strategy this was superb. He got the guys to skate (in hockey skates). Since I was standing talking to Coach as they left, I heard them tell Coach they were going to edit it and put it on Facebook. Smart kid, I bet he'll make everyone look good.

After they passed into the lobby, I casually asked, "How's he doing? Have all his doubles yet?"

Dance Coach was gruff, "He doesn't have all his singles yet."

(As for me, I'll settle for all my half jumps.)

Rink Gossip

I'm not at my rink everyday, but there are people there I know from my old rink, and I've made new friends and new acquaintances. So, while I'm not the center of popularity, I'm a regular, and a lot of people (coaches, skaters, and staff) stop and talk to me. I'm interested in their skating, and sympathetic about their personal trials and tribulations.

There's a rule for this: Whatever someone tells you that's 'gossipy', don't repeat it (Skater Moms, this includes you).  The one exception is if it is something others could have witnessed: a passed test, or a new jump, or some other public event. Remember, you're an adult. This is real life, not high school. People's reputations and careers can be ruined by gossip.

Yeah, it can come back to you.

Let's move on to coach gossip.

Anyway,  here's the thing, some coaches I've had (I've had about 9) have told me stuff about other skaters and coaches. I mean I've heard more gossip about people I don't care about than it's possible to remember.  

Coaches have told me about coach scandals, problems with other students, problems with students' parents, their husbands, sons, daughters, neighbors, relatives, etc.....you name it, I'm the repository. If you're a former coach of mine, don't worry, most of what I heard I don't remember past the end of the lesson, for the rest, my lips are sealed.

Why does this happen? Maybe I have a remarkably sincere and conspiratorial face, or maybe coaches have so many child students all day that the occasional adult is an opportunity for adult conversation and they slip up, or maybe, behind my back, they talk about me.

So is there a moral to this story? Yes. Pay your bills on time. Don't tell your coach about your love life. Don't expect anything you tell a coach to stay private. Maybe your coach is the soul of discretion, but they're not your BFF and they're not your priest. Zip it, sweetheart.